My future daughter’s best friend

My relationship with my mom has always been complicated. I’ve always been on my guard with her because she made tons of mistakes with me while I was growing up, she has changed of course and has apologized, but sometimes she makes the mistakes again and it hurts me. What I’ve learned is, she had… Continue reading My future daughter’s best friend

Not enough ?

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There are a lot of things I don’t feel capable of doing. There was a time when I felt like I had a lot to give, like if someone ever committed to me he would be lucky. Right now all I can see are the characteristics I lack of. I’m not good at bakery, I’m not that much of a lady sometimes, I’m not the best in a lot of areas, and there are a lot of things I will never be able to give to someone.

Maybe this is just sadness and disappointment talking, I’m capable of wonderful things and I know it, but it was just so hard for him to see it, to fight for it, that makes me think I wasn’t good enough. I started dating someone else afterwards but all I did was make mistakes, and I realized I was an option, second best for him too, the minute the first in his heart came back around he didn’t hesitate on letting me go.

Picture perfect girls, who are the image of perfection in their minds, and then I start comparing myself to them and all I can see are the things I’m not able to give, to do, the things I’m not. It’s so hard for me to see the good in me right now, I know I’m in a bad stage, but I feel guilty for every failed relationship, even when I know they didn’t fight for me, I gave everything and it wasn’t enough, I went to fast, or said too much, I didn’t inspired them to do what they needed to do, I wasn’t good enough for it to work, it always starts and ends with me.

Not enough.

Free to feel

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If my heart ever stops beating faster every time I look at you, if the butterflies that fly inside of me every time I think of you suddenly die, if I ever just stop thinking of you, if one day this love is gone, then and only then… it will stop.  Maybe the suffering will be gone in somebody else’s arms, or maybe it will only be time doing what it does best…. But I can’t stop feeling what I feel today, call me a hopeless romantic, stupid even, but I’ve decided I will accept what I feel.

I still miss you, I still smile at the thought of you, I still hope somehow we will end up together. And I’m exahusted of hating myself for feeling what I feel, I feel it, it’s still there, I know that it has been long enough, I know I need to let you go… but I need to accept, it will suddenly happen, out of nowhere, you’ll be gone, blurry, distant. But now you are here, on my mind, in my heart, I’m still in love with you, and I will allow myself to feel what I feel with no regrets.

I will dare to feel, I will feel you and I will let myself be free… if you can call this freedom… but I just haven’t learned how to be free from you yet.

The little love box

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I got this little love box a long time ago… I got it as a high school graduation present from some relative, and it never meant anything to me, in fact I didn’t even give it a use, it was just there… standing in my bathroom closet.

The funny thing is I didn’t even realize it said “Love,” I thought it was just a heart with some doodles on the sides… I never noticed… until the night I fell in love with him. It sounds crazy, but I remember that night so well… it was almost 2 years from now, but I remember it so well… It was a cold November night, Christmas lights and decorations everywhere… we went out with some friends, and somehow was the time I fell for him so hard I couldn’t even sleep that night, I watched the sunrise from my window, I was smiling, my heart was smiling, my mind was smiling, butterflies all around, I couldn’t even breathe I’ve never felt anything like it, I hope I will. It wasn’t even the night of our first kiss, but there was this connection, the way he looked at me, I knew I liked him, he had been my best friend for 2 years, and I knew there was something between us but I wasn’t sure about anything until that night, the way he looked at me, the way we laughed, he drove me home and he was so sure, so confident, he didn’t even care about everyone noticing there was something between us, I felt so safe, so wanted, it was amazing. He was so nervous on the way home, he was talking non stop, I knew he was anxious, I don’t know if he planned to kiss me that night, he didn’t, but he sure thought about it, he was sweating. He parked in front of my house, and we talked for a while like we were used to, we listened to some music, we played with each other’s hands, we laughed, and then we hugged and he kissed me on the chick. It was beautiful.

I realized I was in love with him that night. I walked into my room and noticed “the little love box,” it has been there all the time, but I read the word “Love” on it for the first time, that’s how I realized it was love what I was feeling.
I fell in love for him, I’m still in love with him, it’s hard because we are not together anymore… 9 months have passed since the day everthing came to an end. My heart breaks a little everytime I see “the little love box” standing in my closet, I’ve tried to hide it, to put it away, but somehow it always ends up facing towards me, reminding me of the night I fell in love for the first time.

The memories bring pain, tears and sorrow but at the same time a little hope… I loved, it was real, it wasn’t perfect but it is the most amazing feeling in the world, and I’m glad I’ve loved. This means I can love again, “the little love box” reminds me it is possible to fly, to watch the sunrise from your window while your entire body smiles, it is possible to love an imperfect human that fails and hurts.

“The little love box” reminds me I’ve loved and gives me hope… for I will love and be loved again.

When you stop believing

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When you stop believing something crashes inside your heart… it stops beating the way it used to, you become numb without even noticing. When your faith is gone, there’s nothing to hold on to. I stopped believing God had it under control, I didn’t stop believing in God, I wasn’t mad at him, I just stopped believing He had my life in his hands. It didn’t happen from one day to another. I was slowly drifting… drifting away, wave after wave until I was so far away I couldn’t see land, I was lost inside the ocean of disbelief. Once there, anything could happen, I started taking steps into what I thought was me doing me a favor, I started making decisions without consulting him, because I thought God wasn’t interested in my silly love life, God didn’t have time for me. Deep in my heart I knew he cared but I wanted to give him a lesson “You were taking too long, so I needed to take the matter in my own hands,” I said “You knew I wasn’t strong enough, you were late.” I stopped believing, my heart doubted of his love , my mind played me until I forgot my own purpose… I was lost, I made mistakes that were just the result of my lack of faith, my disbelief. I lost part of my innocence and “sin” became part of my daily life , I lost my mind trying to get it back, I was so far away from my purpose…
But then I remembered where it all started, all the mistakes, all the heartaches and confussion started when I stopped believing God would deliver what he promised, when recklessly I doubted of God’s love, I got bored and wanted to “have fun” and “live my life.” I had fun, but then I realized there’s no happy ending without faith, there’s no light, no hope, there’s nothing at the end of the road but empty memories. I realized I was a sinner but the only way you can please God is by having faith, believing was the key to forgiveness, to healing, to love and hope. I decided I needed him, but to be back on his purpose I needed to please him by believing he knew best,  by believing he still had my life in the palm of his hands, and there was a purpose in spite of the bad things. I believe that God is God and he never changes, He loves me unconditionally and there’s no happiness outside his grace, I believe he hates sin but loves the sinner so I won’t longer feel guilty. I believe he knows my heart, he wants me to be happy, and even though there will be rainy days, there are good things ahead, dreams coming true, movie-like moments, kisses under the moonlight, goals achieved, moments of sharing, fulfillment and love. I believe again, so I will start walking in faith and not looking back, trusting in his perfect timing and unchangable love. I believe again.