My relationship with my mom has always been complicated. I’ve always been on my guard with her because she made tons of mistakes with me while I was growing up, she has changed of course and has apologized, but sometimes she makes the mistakes again and it hurts me.
What I’ve learned is, she had a complicated childhood and she wasn’t raised by her mom, so she didn’t have an example of how a mother should be, but she has been great in spite of that. I will love her and respect her no matter what, I know she loves me, but I will try to keep her happy by showing my love to her despite everything.
She is not my best friend, she doesn’t know any details about my dating life, she is not interested or is afraid to ask, she is the kind of person that likes to think every thing is going to be ok, and if it’s not, she likes to pretend I know it will be.
This is difficult for me, as I would love to have someone to talk to, and there are certain advices and lessons, no one but your mother can teach you, but she remains quite, she has no idea of what’s going on inside my heart or my mind, she likes to think every thing is alright, and even though I’ve tried to open up to her a couple of times, she seems uncomfortable with it.
I’ve learned to accept it, but I’ve promised myself one thing, I will try to be my daughter’s best friend.
I will try my best to let her know she can cry on my shoulder anytime for any reason. She can talk to me about embarassing things like boys or sex without feeling judged. I will try to teach her every thing I’ve learned through the years, and I will try to be wise enough to step back to watch her shine and find her own light, make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons.
I’m not saying my mom isn’t a good mom, she is my mom, without her I wouldn’t be me, but being my daughter’s friend is something I’ve always dreamt of.
I really hope I have a daughter, I know it is something I can’t control or even decide, but I know God lives in the future, present and past. He’s already seen me talking to my daughter about all these things, they say our desires come from above, they are put in our hearts, in order for us to find our purpose. And I know one thing, I have the heart of a mother.
Being a mother is one of the scariest things in the world, you bring this entire new person into the world, and you are not only responsible for her or his physical well-being but also for his or her inner growth.
I want to be a mom so much (in the right time of course) that sometimes I’m scared I want it too much, so it won’t happen, I try to keep negative thoughts away and believe God knows how much I want to be my future daughter’s best friend, and somehow I know He was the one who planted that desire inside my heart.