A life without you


It has been almost 10 months since I started to live life without you… and 10 months after that here I am, still writting about you… that doesn’t make sense. You still cause me so much pain, you’re still one of my first thoughts in the morning and certainly the last one every night.

So much has happened since I decided I wanted to live life away from you, I walked away because you were hurting me, but even without you I feel the pain. And I only have myself to blame… in our era a goodbye is not enough, not seeing each other in person is not exactly letting go.

I’ve been seeing you in secret from the screen of my phone. Everytime I wonder how are you doing you are just a click away. I know how you look, you have been going to the gym, it makes me smile you are not (publicly) dating anyone, I know when you party with your friends, I know about your soccer games… I might sound like a stalker right now, but you don’t need to be an expert in stalking to know all these things nowadays… I know everything you want everyone to see of course, I don’t know about your new secrets, how is it going with your dad or if you are really enjoying life when no one is watching, I don’t know anything you don’t want everyone to know.

Me watching you is one of the reasons… but the main reason is you watching me. I’m not sure if you are interested in my life like I am in yours, but I feel like you are..
I want a life without you, I want to post a picture without wondering what are you going to think about it, I want to  stop with the “hey look I’m having fun” or the “look how pretty I look here” I want the old me back, the one who really didn’t care that much about one tiny person’s opinion. I always thought it was immature and stupid to block someone from your social networks, but it’s my last resource to find out if closing those little windows, those little glimpses to your life, that little hope I get everytime you like my picture will get you off my mind for good.

You know… I’m graduating next month and nothing in the world would make me happier than see you there, you were here as my best friend a great part of my college life and as my beautiful nightmare in the last years, you were always supportive, you believed in me and blocking you from my life means you won’t even be able to watch from your phone’s screen that I made it. Blocking you away feels like cutting a part of my life, it feels like oblivion and it breaks my heart, I can’t even breath, but I need to let you go.

I love you, but 10 months after goodbye it makes no sense anymore, I want to live a life away from your eyes, I want to flow naturally into God’s plan for my life, I’ve asked for signs and it seems like it’s time to start living my life without you… completely without you… away from your sight.

You might realize you still have an effect on me after noticing I’ve blocked you from everwhere… yes you do. But I don’t want you to, that’s why I’m doing it, I don’t want to live for what you think. I don’t want to care anymore.

This is a goodbye.



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