Walls

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Walls… we build them to protect ourselves from chaos and destruction, to protect what we love the most.

Towns build walls to protect their people from the enemy, walls don’t let anyone come inside and hurt you. But walls also keep good and new things from entering.

We build walls without noticing, we isolate ourselves in order to stay safe. I’ve had walls all my life that keep people from hurting me, I’ve always been scared of being rejected because I was rejected and bullied for a while, I’ve always kept my distance.

One day I met a person with whom I felt like I didn’t need to have my guard up. He made a  way through the walls and I opened my heart completely  with the innocence of a friendship.

The thing is I didn’t notice he was that deep into my life, I kept somehow hiding myself from him but somehow he entered far enough to have access into my heart.  Now he is gone, he made a way into my heart, my life, my thoughts, my worries and my dreams and then he left.

Now the house is distroyed and the walls are taller and stronger. I don’t want anyone to enter that deep into my life and leave like that again. Like it was nothing.

I realized now I am scared of having a close friendship with any boy, even when I know there’s nothing there… I’m scared of them confusing my friendship or making me feel too special. I’m scared.

I can see the walls now, they are tall and strong but I feel small and weak. I loved how it felt to be vulnerable, to have someone there for me, I want that again but I’m hidden behind my walls, hoping a brave warrior will make his way inside and save me, but scared of being found at the same time.

I listened carefully to the song “Halo” by Beyonce… I love Ane Brun’s version. And the lyrics are so perfect. A girl built walls just like me because she was hurt and afraid, but he made a way inside without pain, without chaos but with light, with real love. It sounds natural, easy and beautiful it sounds right.

I want light to make its way into my walls, like a ray of sun… gravity to forget to pull me back to the ground and I won’t shut him out and he will never leave, because we are home to each other.

I pray to God for this to happen to me… something so peaceful, bright and beautiful.

I can’t promise I will put my walls down,  I really don’t know how, and I don’t feel like putting my heart out there. But I pray for light to make its way into my life passing through my walls and saving me again.

God wants me to be happy

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God wants me to be happy… as a Christian that is a basic thought, God is love and if I believe God is love that implies He wants nothing but my happiness.

I recently discovered that during some weird stage of my life, I stopped believing God wanted me to be happy, and by happy I mean in love. I started believing crazy lies like “God wants you to be alone” or “God doesn’t want you to be in love with someone else because he is a jelous God.” It just sounds stupid and makes no sense to me now, but without saying it outloud or even thinking about it I believed that.

Satan is the father of all lies, and the original sin is a consequence of Eve believing a lie of Satan; “God doesn’t want you to be wise like him, that’s why he won’t let you have the apple.” The Enemy makes us doubt about God’s love and His purpose for our lives, he wants us to believe God is not a fair God, a forgiving God, a loving God, and when we believe these lies we run away from Him and disobey just like Eve and Adan did on the Eden.

I just went through some sort of a break up with a very important person in my life and it hurt my heart deeply. The thing is, I knew from the beginning this person wasn’t God’s plan for my life… if I knew it then why did I just let myself go through that dark and hurting experience? Because I thought God didn’t want him for my life, but He didn’t have anyone better for me either. I believed he wanted me to be alone.

I was faithless, so I fell in love with a boy who separated me from God, and also made me doubt of my value and what I stood for.

I can’t blame everything on him, I knew he was hurt and away from God, and instead of helping him I fell in that deep hole with him and ended up hurt and empty. We both believed God didn’t want us to be happy, nor together, nor apart… because we didn’t feel worthy.
That sounds like a blasfemy and it’s denying God’s greatest characteristics His love and unchanging grace.

It has been hard for me to get over my “first love” but it has been harder because I have been trying to forget him in the wrong places, with the wrong people and with the wrong attitude. I’ve been denying myself and losing my essence, believing more and more lies and feeling more and more empty.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good. He is all mercy and His love and grace know no end. Last weekend I had the chance to have a re-encounter with Him, I got the chance to find forgiveness in the cross one more time, I found healing in His truth and gave up all the lies. I realized He loves me… He really loves me and wants me to be happy and have a life rich in love and purpose in every area… not because I deserve it but because He loves me… as simple as that.

God wants me to fall in love, but not in the sickening, obsessive way the world offers us “love,” He wants me to fall in love in the best possible way, with a person who will pull out the best in me, a person who also believes God wants him to be happy… us to be happy and is part of God’s perfect plan for my happinness, not because I deserve it, but because He loves me.

Now I believe it, and I will wait for it, not sad about the waiting but confident that it will happen in the right time, now I believe that knowing this person and falling in love with him is part of God’s plan for my life, so it will happen eventually.

God wants me to be happy 🙂