Walls

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Walls… we build them to protect ourselves from chaos and destruction, to protect what we love the most.

Towns build walls to protect their people from the enemy, walls don’t let anyone come inside and hurt you. But walls also keep good and new things from entering.

We build walls without noticing, we isolate ourselves in order to stay safe. I’ve had walls all my life that keep people from hurting me, I’ve always been scared of being rejected because I was rejected and bullied for a while, I’ve always kept my distance.

One day I met a person with whom I felt like I didn’t need to have my guard up. He made a  way through the walls and I opened my heart completely  with the innocence of a friendship.

The thing is I didn’t notice he was that deep into my life, I kept somehow hiding myself from him but somehow he entered far enough to have access into my heart.  Now he is gone, he made a way into my heart, my life, my thoughts, my worries and my dreams and then he left.

Now the house is distroyed and the walls are taller and stronger. I don’t want anyone to enter that deep into my life and leave like that again. Like it was nothing.

I realized now I am scared of having a close friendship with any boy, even when I know there’s nothing there… I’m scared of them confusing my friendship or making me feel too special. I’m scared.

I can see the walls now, they are tall and strong but I feel small and weak. I loved how it felt to be vulnerable, to have someone there for me, I want that again but I’m hidden behind my walls, hoping a brave warrior will make his way inside and save me, but scared of being found at the same time.

I listened carefully to the song “Halo” by Beyonce… I love Ane Brun’s version. And the lyrics are so perfect. A girl built walls just like me because she was hurt and afraid, but he made a way inside without pain, without chaos but with light, with real love. It sounds natural, easy and beautiful it sounds right.

I want light to make its way into my walls, like a ray of sun… gravity to forget to pull me back to the ground and I won’t shut him out and he will never leave, because we are home to each other.

I pray to God for this to happen to me… something so peaceful, bright and beautiful.

I can’t promise I will put my walls down,  I really don’t know how, and I don’t feel like putting my heart out there. But I pray for light to make its way into my life passing through my walls and saving me again.

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