Connections. As humans we all communicate with each other on daily basis, we connect, of course some connections are deeper than others. You are not connected with the guy on the coffee shop the same way you connect with your brother.
But there are some other kinds of connections that have my attention, those connections that go beyond blood or the ordinary interaction we are supposed to have with other people, those connections that are just like an instant hook.
You meet this person and you connect, the way you talk, the way you interact with each other makes you feel in sync, like there is something bigger getting you closer. You can have the same conversation about that same thing with other people, but with this person the conversation is different, the way it develops makes you laugh or even cry. You can talk for hours about the silliest thing, and it feels like seconds and the most interesting topic in the world.
I’m very curious about this type of connection, I’ve had this kind of connection with just two people in my life, my dad and my former best friend/love.
With my dad is magic, we can talk for hours, and it doesn’t matter if we are talking on skype or face to face, it just goes on, and that makes him my best friend, he is the first deep connection I ever had, and I know is something deeper than just being related, because as much as I love my mom, my sister and the rest of my family, we have not such a deep connection.
Then comes this guy, he was my first male best friend, growing up I was never good at having boys as friends, I’ve liked other boys, before and after him, but he is the only person I was able to connect deeply.
He was my first love, I’m pretty sure I’m not his, but more than a year after everything ended… badly, I know I fell for him so hard because we connected in a very deep level. It’s more than just physical attraction, I guess is this thing they call chemistry, I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’m having trouble finding it again, it’s not like I’m looking for another deep connection desperately, actually I’m a little scared of deep connections, because the deeper they are, the deepest you fall and the hardest goodbye is.
I’m now living in a different country… far away from him, but I still long for the deep connection I had with him, the one that went beyond filtration, which was also pretty amazing, but breaking up with your best friend is way harder than breaking up with just a lover. I’ve kissed and dated other boys, but that connection, the simplicity and the complexion of that person that makes you feel completely at home, that person that makes you feel like you don’t have to try too hard, that connection is what I miss the most about him.
I wish we could have one last conversation, I wish I was able to talk to him about my new fears, the new things I’ve learned and he would tell me his point of view about it. I wish I could feel the beauty of that deep connection one more time. But it has been really hard for me to get over it, and I’ve come too far since the day I decided he was not good for me, because as hard as it sounds, having a deep connection with someone doesn’t imply that person is good for you, it doesn’t imply that person loves you. I know he felt the connection, he opened up with me the way I opened up with him, he enjoyed our conversations the way I enjoyed them, the difference is a I fell for him and he didn’t fell for me. Or if he did, I will never know.
He was not a good friend or the love of my life, if he was any of those he would never let me go, he was just my person, that person you meet and changes your life.
I’ve learned to be thankful for being able to experience those amazing connections, I’m grateful because I know how it feels like, I know how it feels to have a deep connection with some who loves you, my dad, and with someone who doesn’t. I have learned to embrace and let go of this deep connection.
I just pray that the next time I connect with someone that deeply, he wouldn’t only understand me but love me as well, and I would get to spend the rest of my life with him, connecting in that amazing way…