Hide & Seek

hide and seek

Have you ever been scared of yourself?  … On how temporary emotions jeopardize your future?

I am a little scared of myself, lately I feel like I don’t even know who I am, I‘ve lived all my life thinking I know exactly who I am, what I stand for, what I want, what I would do and what I wouldn’t do and then I just do things I thought I would never do.

My acts contradict my thoughts, I feel so lost and it feels like I’m about to fall, but I feel attracted to the thrill. I want to stay the same girl but at the same time a voice is shouting inside I need more.

It feels like I’m in the middle of a battle, and the good girl I’ve always been seems blurry but at the same time I don’t want to let her go.

I really don’t know what it’s going on, to be honest it actually feels like I’ve been playing hide and seek with sin… with lust and I’m scared someday it will find me and destroy me.

I want to let it go, I want to find myself in God, I want to trust Him completely and let go of my fears, doubts and unsatisfied desires.

I’m almost 25 and it probably has something to do with that, on the other hand I’m living abroad and somehow I want this time to be different, it’s not my first time living away from my comfort zone, but it’s the first time since him… he was like my anchor to home… he was there for me to remind me what I loved about myself and to let me feel the thrill of the unknown, but now he is not here, I miss him so much, even almost two years after the end, and that makes me feel like a crazy person, and I hate missing him, but I can’t help it.

I miss the thrill of the safe danger he represented, because with him even the wrong felt right. And I’m just desperately looking for that same thrill elsewhere, but this time it’s not him… so it’s not safe, and I’m scared of myself looking for that thrill without him.

I don’t want to flirt with sin, but at the same time I’m really bored and I’m scared and I feel so alone. I really feel the weight of my free will and I clearly understand what Paul said on Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do”. That’s exactly how I feel.

I can hide from sin today, but I’m scared I will go out and look out for it again tomorrow…


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