The perfect first kiss kind of girl

He is walking around with my first kiss...
He is walking around with my first kiss…

There are different types of people in this world… there are different types of girls. We are all different and never the same.
I was a “my first kiss has to be perfect” kind of girl. Life is difficult for a girl like this, love is extremely hard for a girl like this… a girl like me. We are dreamers, believers, romantics. And I hated being this type of girl. I’ve been trying to change who I am since my “first love” my “perfect not so perfect first kiss” broke my heart into a million pieces.

But I am not writting another annoying post about this so called first love of mine, I’m writting this post to honor the girl I was… the daydreamer, the ‘best things take time’  kind of girl, I always was and ended up hating.

I opened Netflix after a stay in bed Sunday, and the movie suggestions got it right. I watched a beautiful movie called “Flipped” the moment I realized it was based on a 70’s timeline I knew I will love the corny film.

The movie is really cute and good, but the best part of it is that it remind me of myself in my innocent years, on my first crush years, when I decided not only that I was going to wait for marriage to have sex but also when I decided I will save my first kiss for someone special because I wanted it to be perfect. By perfect I don’t mean it would involve fireworks and the perfect background music like in the movies ( I most confess I kind of pictured it that way) but when I was feeling realistic, all I wanted was to give it to someone who truly cared about me and to someone I really cared for… someone I really liked. That’s all I wanted. I saw my friends kissing all these boys they didn’t even like just because everyone else was doing it. And I knew I didn’t want that.

It didn’t take long for me to find a boy worthy of my first kiss… we met in middle school, I wasn’t very popular back in the day and there was this bully who would make my life impossible and turn everyone against me, he was a boy and would make other boys and girls make fun of me. I felt pretty lonely, I only had one girl friend at school but outside of school I had more friends which I guess made it all better. I only had one girl friend and I kind of got used to it, until I made another friend, a boy that won’t listen to the bully and would never make fun of me. He sat behind me and we became good friends, he will always tease me but in a nice way. I was only 12 so I didn’t start liking him right there I just knew he was special.

It was in highschool when I developed this MAJOR CRUSH on him. I wasn’t bullied anymore but I wasn’t a social butterfly either. He was not the most popular boy in the class, he was the nice guy, who is cute but doesn’t know it. We were in the same class and we started being friends in middle school so he started teasing me again, hiding my markers, pulling my hair (in a cute way) and telling silly jokes just to make me laugh. I realized he liked me in a “more than friends” kind of way and I started liking him back. I just didn’t know how to react, I never liked anyone like this before. I didn’t want him to notice I dreamt about him everytime I closed my eyes… when I looked at his dark bright eyes my day was better…he made my life better.
This is a long story so I will just make it shorter… I was a 13-year-old girl who didn’t know how to react to anything and I remember he trying to kiss me once while we were in between classes… I was so freaked out that all I could do was make an “ew face” the same face you make when something disgusts you to the core… that face. I remember the look in his eyes… he was crushed and after that moment it was never the same. He took his distance and I didn’t know what to do. I tried to apologize but he never actually told me he liked me… so I didn’t know how to start. I re-lived that moment in my mind thousands of times wishing I reacted differently… we were in an awkard position, we were just talking in the back of the class like we used to do… why would he try to kiss me right then? Why wouldn’t he say something before? Why did I react that way?

Everything changed after that day… maybe that was it… my perfect first kiss…he was someone I truly cared for and apparently he really liked me too. But I wasn’t ready and lost my chance. It’s not like I have been blaming myself for this incident 12 years after it… it’s just that I know that if I’d reacted differently my life would be so different.
We grew apart, we were never that close anymore after that, we both changed. I always liked him because he didn’t fall for peer pressure, he was a nice guy who knew who he was and didn’t need the ‘cool kids’ approval. I loved that about him. But it changed, we both started gaining popularity… I lost some weight, dyed my hair and gained new friends during my sophmore year. He was taller and pierced his eyebrow which gave him a ‘bad boy’ hot look.

He became a ‘bad boy’ making out with the hottest girls in school and got really good at soccer, he was also a math genius so he was the whole package and this time everybody knew it, he knew it too.

I was still crazy about him, I would go out to parties and get plenty of offers but I would only dance with other boys to make him jealous. I never kissed them… I liked to tease them but when the time came I would always walk away waiting for my perfect first kiss to happen. I wanted my perfect kiss to be with him, I dreamt about it and wanted it so much. But he didn’t like me anymore, he was having so much fun with all these girls… why would he go back to the girl who ew faced him?

I never had a chance… until one night. It was a house party, one of my first parties that involved a lot of alcohol, I was 16. I was having fun with my friends, and of course he was there looking as flawless as ever. Suddenly one of my friends grabbed my hand and we were in the backyard, a small group of girls and a small group of boys in the dark. One of them had an empty beer bottle and started spinning it… when I realized what was going on and that he was there my heart start beating like crazy, I couldn’t even catch my breath. The first couple was up… and they started kissing… the second round and the bottle was pointing us both… I couldn’t believe it… it was it… the moment of my perfect first kiss… only one little thing… it wasn’t going to be perfect… he didn’t like me anymore, he didn’t care for me and I knew that the kiss that would mean life to me would probably mean nothing to him. So I did it again, I freaked out… I walked away saying “no no no no” repeatedly. This time it was different, he was not crushed, he was numb and another girl (a friend of mine) that was next to him kissed him in front of my eyes and I was so sick to my stomach that I just walked away. That was one of the worst nights of my life. But I didn’t want my first kiss  to be a spin the bottle kiss, a meaningless kiss, I wanted it to be special and I was not settling for less.  Later that night I saw him making out with this hot popular girl in the laundry room… it felt like a million knives cut my heart, it literally hurt. But I realized I was kind of wise for rejecting the spin the bottle kiss… because if I’d kissed him and then watched him making out with this other girl it would’ve been devastating.

Time passed… and after rejecting the kiss from the boy you have always wanted to kiss, no one seems good enough for the task.

I kind of dated this other guy for a while but once I told him I was 17 but never kissed anyone because I wanted it to be special… obviously I freaked him out. I would have kissed him, but he never tried because it was too much pressure.
Then I realized that I couldn’t tell boys they were my first kiss… it will freak them out, they would think something is really wrong with me.

Don’t missunderstand me …  I was no saint, I would dirty dance with boys and tease them until they explode just for fun but I still waited for that special someone to persist, to come and sweep me off my feet… to give me my well deserved first kiss. I actually thought the more I waited the more special it would be but the more I waited the harder it was to find that special someone and it was crazy… I was about to give up to any boy several times but… all that time… all that waiting wasted on a stranger? On a “I’m just looking for fun”? I had to hold on just a little bit more… it will happen right ? Eventually? Or not? I will be waiting forever! Haha It was a struggle, a  crazy pointless struggle.

But I didn’t give up.

I had my “perfect” first kiss.

There were no fireworks and he definetly didn’t know it was my first because at my age it was embarassing. We were both drunk and I wanted him so much and he wanted me too. He was my best friend for three years and we started catching feelings after I did a college exchange program abroad… it sounds pretty sweet. It wasn’t. He stopped being my best friend, started being an asshole and broke my heart into a million pieces.

We kind of dated on and off but he would never kiss me!! It was like being trapped in the worst movie ever. And the more I waited the more I wanted him. He was it, if he wasn’t I was cursed to wait FOREVER or just give up after all that waiting to a nobody on a bar. He wouldn’t kiss me because I was his best friend and as much as he liked me he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. He always told me he was not ready for a relationship and I knew he didn’t want to hurt me. I convinced myself that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. But it wasn’t true… I was completely in love with him. Body, mind, soul and everything in between.

After many dates, one night we finally kissed… it happened inside his car in front of my house after too many margaritas, he only drank two beers but he wasn’t used to it so he was very tipsy as well. That night was magic. We were in this restaurant drinking, laughing, holding hands… I looked at him and he was all I ever wanted… a lover and a best friend. Nothing could ruin this night… we were so happy… I felt so beautiful and alive.

The kiss… was as awkward as any first kiss at first… he was all over me and I felt his tongue inside my mouth haha I didn’t know what to do… but I’d been preparing for this moment all these years so I took control after a while. We couldn’t stop thinking… we kissed then talked about it. Then stopped talking about it and started making out. I wish we didn’t talk at all. He was so confused and so was I. Of course our first kiss wasn’t a normal kiss it was full of passion and desire it all escalated pretty fast and I couldn’t control it. I went from never been kissed to almost third base on that September night.

The story after that night is pretty short… we are not even friends anymore. We never dated again. I was really in love with him, outside that kiss we share plenty of special moments, deep conversations that are more intimate than any kiss. I really loved him… I still do. But he broke my heart and I’m over waiting for the movie to begin, for the happy ending to come around.

You probaby can imagine how much this event changed me… even though the kiss was the kind of perfect I wanted, it took longer than I expected and didn’t ended up how I wanted.

I started hating the girl who wouldn’t kiss the boy she liked because it was not perfect. I hated the girl who will wait  and only tease other boys. I started remembering all the chances I had to make out with hot boys that I rejected just for an idea of perfection and I regreted it over and over again. Wishing I wasn’t so stupid, thinking I ended up giving a geme to someone who didn’t know what he got, and will never know. Regreting all the experiences I didn’t live. Hating myself.

I changed… after a year and a half of my first kiss I have kissed 4 more boys. 2 of them were complete strangers. I only kind of dated one of them but it was short, intense and meaningless. I haven’t had sex because as you know I hold on to my promises. But I can’t say I’m a total virgin… I’m kind of experienced. And I’m not sure if I’m gonna make it all the way. It’s a sad story… they say good things come to the ones who wait but I stopped believing it.

I didn’t give details on my waiting progress but there were a couple of years when I was really happy, I was in a deep relationship with God. I wasn’t waiting on a boy for my life to begin, I got the opportunity to live abroad. I was interested in a good boy for a while, a Christian boy just like me, it didn’t happen but it was all good, I had friends, a good job, loved to spend time with my family, served God and I just was peacefully waiting for the time to come. Until I fell in love with the wrong boy and let that circunstance change my heart and my way of seeing life.

People always teased and still tease me for being a good girl and I hated it. I hated who I was and the way I saw life and the decisions I took. And that only brought depression into my life and made me make mistakes that I would never make before. It separated me from God and made me forget my purpose. Finally after all I’m starting to see things clearly, accepting myself and loving who I am and who I was.

In the movie “Flipped” the girl rejects the boy she has always wanted because the kiss was not the way that it was supposed to happen. She wasn’t sure about his feelings for her and she loves herself enough to reject a cheap version of what she wants.

That is me. I’m that strong. I used to look at life with innocence and faith. Of course girls like me don’t have it easy. But it reminded me I’m not ordinary, I’m that girl who can stand strong before temptation, who knows what she wants and won’t settle for less, who sees life differently. There is no way I can change that so I have to stop fighting against myself. I may not advice anyone to wait for perfection I made a lot of mistakes along the way but I am me and I don’t want to regret being myself anymore. I do not settle for less than what I want. I know what I deserve and what I want. I am a “perfect first kiss” kind of girl because God made me this way.

The movie reminded me of the beauty of who I was, and I’ve started to look at myself from a different perspective… It has been hard but the best part is that my life isn’t over. I havent’t had my happily ever after because the story is not over. I have to embrace who I am and believe again, even if it hurts, not for perfection but for what I want and deserve. Learning from my mistakes, taking chances but never losing my essence.

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