We never stop learning, and even when you think that you have experienced it all, life comes and surprises you once more.
I thought I knew how falling in love felt like… but now I am realizing I perhaps have mistaken love for something else… how could I ever love someone who wouldn’t risk anything for me? Someone who wouldn’t lay down his pride to be close to me after we were as close as two people can be ?
I spent days and months and years dwelling on a love that was not a good love, I had no idea how it felt to be really persuaded; how it felt when someone really really likes you. I was a conformist, he desired me, he wanted me but he definitely didn’t love me, and I knew it, but I thought that was the kind of affection I deserved, I didn’t know better, even when I was raised in a good family, even when I received all the good love from my parents, even when I was raised in a Christian environment where I was tought to value myself, I fell in love with someone who didn’t deserve it.
I don’t regret it, I know now what kind of love I shouldn’t receive, a selfish love, it can be strong and passionate but it leaves you empty and makes you feel like you need more… but you are never enough. If you never move on you could even die waiting for that burning flame to come back, but it never comes back, so you will keep on chasing those destructive kinds of love just looking for the thrill but never being satisfied and never letting good love to come your way.
I have learned plenty of things during this time living abroad, and God was more than good to show me something in the love department as well. I always considered myself a romantic, the kind of girl who got excited when watching a cheesy movie, the one who daydreamed with her wedding, but I now realized that I have been sabotaging my own dream with a phony idea of love and perfection, putting walls so tall that good boys won’t even dare to climb and just letting meaningless affairs to slip in with the pathetic excuse that I know that love is not easy to find, just looking for fun in the mid-time. Now I know that every time someone good crossed my path I closed the doors, turn him into my friend or just assume in my head he is not interested and neither do I.
I was afraid and I’m still afraid, maybe I never really trusted God in this area, or maybe I’m too shallow. But it feels like no one is really good enough for me, but maybe it is because I have always felt like I’m not good enough for what I want.
I met a guy… actually a lot of guys during my time abroad, but they were all meaningless affairs, I tricked myself into believing that it was what I needed… nothing serious, because… “I don’t need to fall in love abroad and then have a silly long distance relationship”. Actually I liked to think that so I wouldn’t be disappointed if no one ever fell in love with me.
So I met this one guy… we went on a date and I didn’t like him at first, like the shallow basic bitch I can be, I felt like I was too much for him, and I was cold and distant, and even as I tried to enjoy our first date, I decided from the beginning it would be the last one.
It wasn’t the last one; we have been “dating” almost every weekend for three months, as friends of course, because when he gathered all the courage to tell me he liked me and wanted to be with me, I shot him down telling him I wasn’t looking for a relationship because I was leaving soon and I didn’t want to complicate things, but I actually said no because I didn’t like him, but I did enjoy his company and the simplicity and purity of his intentions. He opens the door for me; he literally treats me like a princess and it’s so overwhelming that I just push it away. I keep on looking for reasons to dislike him, and I’ve even started wondering if there’s something wrong with him, as cold as it sounds, I have no idea why he likes me so much.
During our time together he has been trying to show me his interest in the most creative ways, he has offered me help when I needed it, company when I was lonely, and I have given nothing in return. I have even continued on kissing random guys at parties, but with him… I don’t even give him the chance to try. It sounds stronger now that I am writing it down, I have an excuse, I really don’t want to hurt him, and it seems like he really likes me, and this is completely new to me, I never let any other good boy to come this far, but here in a new city with no family, it was easier for me to let someone love me.
Last week I had a wakeup call… I was still waiting for that first idiot to come to his senses and talk to me, I still lingered on the idea of him, I was still waiting for the flame, looking for what I stupidly thought it was love, and I realized after literally an earthquake that he is never coming back, that what we had means nothing to him and it should mean nothing to me… because it is nothing.
In contrast with the lack of love I felt from that guy who I dared to call my “first love”, this man comes and makes me feel like I deserve everything in this world, he is not a millionaire but he makes an effort to make me smile, he takes me to new places so I can get to know more and enjoy my time here, he already knows I’m leaving in a month but he’s still planning creative dates, asking me out, texting me almost every morning, asking how I’ve been, even when I’m short on words, reply hours later or even sometimes don’t reply.
Now I know… I’m not too much for him; he is too much for me. He is a gentleman, he is a good person and I still don’t understand why he likes me so much, but one thing I know, God used him to show me the kind of love and attention I should expect from a man, that’s the way my Father wants me to be treated, that’s the beauty of love, the beauty of falling in love. I was lost in confusion, mistaking lust with love, looking for romance where it wasn’t, clinging to a blurry memory, but now after more than two years of delusion I can see clearly and actually now I believe there are still good men in this world but stupid girls like me are still calling them “just friends”, all busy trying to turn frogs into princes and then complaining over our lack of luck in love.
I know I have no future with him, I’m almost gone, but I’ll make sure to let him know how happy I am I met him, how thankful I am for all that he has done to make me happy and he will always have a special place in my heart. Even when I didn’t fall in love with him, he opened my eyes, and now I know the kind of man I want to fall in love with.