Supposed to be

I’m from a small yet beautiful country in Central America, I know about women suffering injustice. We even have a word to define it and it doesn’t even have a direct translation in English… Machismo. Here you can still hear things like “Women belong to the kitchen” women suffer from physical violence, are forced to get married very young and there’s a lot of sexual violence among many communities.

Lucky for me, I was born in the city, in a middle class family, where I had access to education, I was tough about equality and I was never abused, forced or neglected just for my gender. 
Since I was little girl I had dreams, I dreamt about so many things, first I wanted to be a doctor, a pediatrician, because I loved kids, then I learned that you had to open dead bodies in order to get a degree so I passed on that. Then I wanted to be a writer and I wrote a book called “Written with blood”about some difficult times I suffered with my family… I was 10 years old but I lost the book and also the dream because I heard writers were not well paid. Then I dreamt about traveling a lot, getting to see many countries, I wanted to get a degree in international relations and work for the ONU or something like that, but then I learned you needed connections to get a good job so I decided I didn’t wanted that anymore. Then I realized I was good at making up stories for commercials so I decided I wanted to be a publicist and work in advertising. Long story short I ended up being a bachelor in marketing with a degree in advertising. 

Ask me how many commercials I have invented? 0.

Not one of my dreams was tainted, changed or turned down by the fact I was a woman. My dreams changed because I was scared. First scared of opening dead bodies and working in a morgue, then scared of not making enough money out my profession, then scared of not getting a good job because of my lack of connections  (I had 16 when I called that dream off, and haven’t met not even half of the people I know now). 

Why are we so scared? 

I know now some things about myself  that I didn’t know then… I loved kids and I still do because I have the heart of a mother and I can’t wait to be a mom and dedicate my life, my heart and my time for my kids. 

I wanted to travel, and even without working in the ONU, I started experiencing living abroad when I was 17. I have left home 3 times and I met my fiancee on my last trip. I have studied, worked, lived and loved abroad and I’m pretty proud of that, because it helped me become who I am now and see the world from outside the bubble of comfort. 

There’s a dream still burning in my heart. Being a writer. Write. Write and be a mom. I am again scared because I really don’t want to work in an office like I’m supposed to because even when I’m not pushed by the rules of a society that tells me I can’t achieve because I am a woman, I still feel the pressure of not being the woman and the professional I want to be. 

I’m scared of not making enough money with my writing, I’m scared of not making a use of my education as I’m supposed to working as a marketing manager for some big company, I’m scared of being judged for being an stay-home mom and scared of not being the mother I want to be if I’m not. 

We get judged if we achieve our dreams and also if we don’t. You will get judged if you are a successful professional or if you are a dedicated mother. But when are we going to stop judging ourselves?  When are we going to stop being scared and relentlessly achieve our dreams. Even if the dream seems too big or too small. 

Be the woman you are, not the one you are supposed to be. Be vulnerable and be strong. Be loud and be silent. Be predictable and unpredictable. Be whoever you are but do not follow the path of who you are supposed to be. 

When we go back to our first dreams, when we look through the glasses of our innonce, we realize that’s what we are made for. A girl who believed she could be anything she wanted to be.

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