We all struggle. There is an undeniable truth behind that sentence, it doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, sick or healthy, in love or heartbroken, we all have struggled. We bring little people into this world knowing they will come across some suffering, knowing they will experience pain. Why? Three words… the silver… Continue reading Our struggle
We never stop learning, and even when you think that you have experienced it all, life comes and surprises you once more. I thought I knew how falling in love felt like… but now I am realizing I perhaps have mistaken love for something else… how could I ever love someone who wouldn’t risk anything… Continue reading A different kind of love
You know… I wish you were already here. I’m not 100% sure you are there…somewhere… but if you actually exist I want to tell you that I wish you were already here. Thank God because during this time I’ve learned to be by myself and I know how to have a life and enjoy it… Continue reading Memories without you
It has been a journey for me to embrace God’s grace in my life, but He showed it to me with such sweet love and tenderness. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me. It’s hard for humans to understand grace because it’s something SO BIG that our minds and hearts can’t understand. One of the enemy’s greatest weapons is guilt, we are all sinners so it’s very easy for him to use that sin to make us feel guilty and feel like we are falling out from grace. But there is some good news… I have come to understand that God’s grace is like an ocean… it’s impossible to fall from it, if you are in the middle of the ocean you can’t fall out of it, all you can do is go deeper. Every time we make a mistake and feel like we are falling out from grace, we are not… we are just going deeper into that unending ocean of grace and love. Your sin can’t take you away from God’s love, NOTHING CAN SEPARATE YOU FROM GOD’S LOVE… Romans 8:38-39.
Sometimes I get mad at myself because it feels like I know that God’s grace will always take me back, and I feel like it’s not fair, I hate myself whenever I repeat a mistake or a sin, because I know God already forgave me for doing that a while ago, and now I’m doing it again… I let the enemy start telling me lies and make me feel like God’s grace is not enough, like I’m overusing it. Sometimes I’m even scared of talking about His grace because it feels like people will start sinning like crazy because they know God’s grace is everlasting. First of all, God’s grace is not a limited resource, it’s infinite. Jesus taught that we have to forgive 70 times 7, which means there’s no limit for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter how many times you sin or how big it is, God’s grace will always take you back, and there’s no way I can unsay what is true, even when I’m afraid of saying that out loud because I can’t fully understand God’s mercy and infinite love. That being said, even when God’s grace is infinite and real, consequences from sin are also real, this means sin will drive you away from God’s perfect will for your life; it will limit your connection and growth with His Holy Spirit and will make you unhappy. God’s grace purpose is making you strong in your weakness, knowing that once a certain area of your life was full of sins and mistakes but now is all clean and full of grace. This can only happen when you surrender every area of your life to Him, even when it feels like He is all silent, even when it seems like it’s never going to happen. When you surrender everything to Him, trusting that He is in control of your weakness, your mistakes, your dreams, your heart, your family, your finances, and your future, there is when you get strengthened in your weakness.
Every time you feel like you can’t understand God’s grace, every time you find yourself covered in sin and shame, run to the cross and you will understand it a little better, HE rather died than letting you go. This is why even death can’t drive you away from His love; NOTHING can separate you from His grace because he defeated every possibility of losing you by surrendering His life. Remember, grace is like an ocean, you can’t fall out of it; all you can do is go deeper.
Connections. As humans we all communicate with each other on daily basis, we connect, of course some connections are deeper than others. You are not connected with the guy on the coffee shop the same way you connect with your brother.
But there are some other kinds of connections that have my attention, those connections that go beyond blood or the ordinary interaction we are supposed to have with other people, those connections that are just like an instant hook.
You meet this person and you connect, the way you talk, the way you interact with each other makes you feel in sync, like there is something bigger getting you closer. You can have the same conversation about that same thing with other people, but with this person the conversation is different, the way it develops makes you laugh or even cry. You can talk for hours about the silliest thing, and it feels like seconds and the most interesting topic in the world.
I’m very curious about this type of connection, I’ve had this kind of connection with just two people in my life, my dad and my former best friend/love.
With my dad is magic, we can talk for hours, and it doesn’t matter if we are talking on skype or face to face, it just goes on, and that makes him my best friend, he is the first deep connection I ever had, and I know is something deeper than just being related, because as much as I love my mom, my sister and the rest of my family, we have not such a deep connection.
Then comes this guy, he was my first male best friend, growing up I was never good at having boys as friends, I’ve liked other boys, before and after him, but he is the only person I was able to connect deeply.
He was my first love, I’m pretty sure I’m not his, but more than a year after everything ended… badly, I know I fell for him so hard because we connected in a very deep level. It’s more than just physical attraction, I guess is this thing they call chemistry, I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’m having trouble finding it again, it’s not like I’m looking for another deep connection desperately, actually I’m a little scared of deep connections, because the deeper they are, the deepest you fall and the hardest goodbye is.
I’m now living in a different country… far away from him, but I still long for the deep connection I had with him, the one that went beyond filtration, which was also pretty amazing, but breaking up with your best friend is way harder than breaking up with just a lover. I’ve kissed and dated other boys, but that connection, the simplicity and the complexion of that person that makes you feel completely at home, that person that makes you feel like you don’t have to try too hard, that connection is what I miss the most about him.
I wish we could have one last conversation, I wish I was able to talk to him about my new fears, the new things I’ve learned and he would tell me his point of view about it. I wish I could feel the beauty of that deep connection one more time. But it has been really hard for me to get over it, and I’ve come too far since the day I decided he was not good for me, because as hard as it sounds, having a deep connection with someone doesn’t imply that person is good for you, it doesn’t imply that person loves you. I know he felt the connection, he opened up with me the way I opened up with him, he enjoyed our conversations the way I enjoyed them, the difference is a I fell for him and he didn’t fell for me. Or if he did, I will never know.
He was not a good friend or the love of my life, if he was any of those he would never let me go, he was just my person, that person you meet and changes your life.
I’ve learned to be thankful for being able to experience those amazing connections, I’m grateful because I know how it feels like, I know how it feels to have a deep connection with some who loves you, my dad, and with someone who doesn’t. I have learned to embrace and let go of this deep connection.
I just pray that the next time I connect with someone that deeply, he wouldn’t only understand me but love me as well, and I would get to spend the rest of my life with him, connecting in that amazing way…
Today I realized something, I closed the door but never left. I have been waiting outside all this time waiting for you to open it again. But you never do. You may think that I’m far away, you may think that if you ever open the door I won’t be there. That if you ever… Continue reading Closed the door. Never left.
I feel so safe here… lying in my bed. Still.
You can’t hurt me anymore… you can’t reject me or dissapoint me…
I’m lying here with no expectations, with no plan, just existing, safe from your absorbing chaos, safe from the deepness of your thoughts, safe from the battle in your eyes.
It’s not for me to save you, it’s not for you to make me feel beautiful and loved.
We are free from each other.
I still need you, think you, miss you, love you.
But I feel safe… safe without you.