When you stop believing something crashes inside your heart… it stops beating the way it used to, you become numb without even noticing. When your faith is gone, there’s nothing to hold on to. I stopped believing God had it under control, I didn’t stop believing in God, I wasn’t mad at him, I just stopped believing He had my life in his hands. It didn’t happen from one day to another. I was slowly drifting… drifting away, wave after wave until I was so far away I couldn’t see land, I was lost inside the ocean of disbelief. Once there, anything could happen, I started taking steps into what I thought was me doing me a favor, I started making decisions without consulting him, because I thought God wasn’t interested in my silly love life, God didn’t have time for me. Deep in my heart I knew he cared but I wanted to give him a lesson “You were taking too long, so I needed to take the matter in my own hands,” I said “You knew I wasn’t strong enough, you were late.” I stopped believing, my heart doubted of his love , my mind played me until I forgot my own purpose… I was lost, I made mistakes that were just the result of my lack of faith, my disbelief. I lost part of my innocence and “sin” became part of my daily life , I lost my mind trying to get it back, I was so far away from my purpose…
But then I remembered where it all started, all the mistakes, all the heartaches and confussion started when I stopped believing God would deliver what he promised, when recklessly I doubted of God’s love, I got bored and wanted to “have fun” and “live my life.” I had fun, but then I realized there’s no happy ending without faith, there’s no light, no hope, there’s nothing at the end of the road but empty memories. I realized I was a sinner but the only way you can please God is by having faith, believing was the key to forgiveness, to healing, to love and hope. I decided I needed him, but to be back on his purpose I needed to please him by believing he knew best, by believing he still had my life in the palm of his hands, and there was a purpose in spite of the bad things. I believe that God is God and he never changes, He loves me unconditionally and there’s no happiness outside his grace, I believe he hates sin but loves the sinner so I won’t longer feel guilty. I believe he knows my heart, he wants me to be happy, and even though there will be rainy days, there are good things ahead, dreams coming true, movie-like moments, kisses under the moonlight, goals achieved, moments of sharing, fulfillment and love. I believe again, so I will start walking in faith and not looking back, trusting in his perfect timing and unchangable love. I believe again.
furstinna 